in the trenches

i wish i could be positively positive all of the time.  yet, it's just not authentic.  it's almost november here in maine, and i am becoming wildly aware that grandmother winter is setting into our bones for the next six months.  yes, six months of winter.  mind you, i am just recovering from our move from los angeles this past june.  in los angeles, our strongest winter entailed 40 degrees and lots of rain.  we were spoiled with our year round farmer's markets and trips to malibu even in january.  yes, the smog was smothering and the helicopters were fierce, as was the traffic, however the elements were not sharp, shivering and windy cold.

the reality is i am already spending my days moving wood from here to there, this pile to that, just to stay warm.  i sometimes spend a couple of hours juggling baby care and sweet pumpkin's needs with getting the wood stove going in the morning.  and then there is the complete insanity when the fire alarm goes off from too much smoke and i have to run to grab the baby ear muffs and bat the alarm while the lady screams "fire" into my ear drums, observing my daughter's tears rolling down her face as she begs for my arms.  it's cruel and crazy in some ways.

and my sweetie has officially reached the age of not wanting to sit in any of her seats which include her high chair, car seat and stroller, nor does she want to lie on her back for a diaper change.  i am wrestling her in and out of clothing, keeping her dry and clean and warm.  i am wondering how we will ever make it outside with snow falling and bitter winds. 

this life isn't glamorous.  however i have decided that if i do officially survive this winter, i can do anything.  i have done lots of things in life that i am proud of, and i do consider myself a champion of my fears, so i know that this too can be faced.  and i know i am not the first mama burning wood to stay warm, practicing attachment parenting and ec, breastfeeding and bed sharing, all while living out in total solitude.  there have been many before me.  however, what i need more than ever is to know some of those mentors, or to at the very least sit in a circle of other mamas and find my strength within the collective.

i leave you with this article.  while searching for a picture for this post i found this article, which is related to my tale.  you see, if we mothers were paid for the work we did, our lives would function with much more fluidity. even when we find ourselves in the trenches, we would rest assured that our physical needs are being met.