trials of the first trimester

i love blogging, and i used to pride myself on actively blogging.  with time, this blog has become quite sleepy.  for the past two months, i've found myself in a vortex of the unexpected.  the unexpected being that i am expecting!

i have to admit, not only was i shocked that i became pregnant. . .i was shocked at what it means to be pregnant in the first trimester.  the first trimester felt like a spiral of the unknown.  most women complain of nausea during the first trimester.  for me, a slew of other symptoms began to rule my days and nights around week 5.  i found myself, yes a bit nausea.  foods that i would normally love, like quinoa and collard greens or kale made me feel disgusted, however i was grateful that my palette still loved fresh fruit.  it seemed that for a number of weeks my diet consisted of raw fruit, yogurt, kefir, smoothies, baked potatoes and an occasional green juice.  my midwife kindly said that some women are lucky to keep down coke and potato chips, and that i was doing excellent.  

fortunately i didn't experience too much morning sickness.  i was blessed with the knowledge that eating small snacks every two hours helps to keep the nausea at bay.

being one who is educated in the realm of pregnancy, birth and infant care, i immediately felt pressured to begin my pregnancy perfectly.  thank goodness my midwife, davi kaur khalsa gently explained that it was too early to go to yoga every day, walk five miles and examine my diet with great care.  she said the first trimester is all about kind to yourself.  when i heard this, i internally breathed a sigh of relief. . .however it took a few weeks to give myself the compassion that i so readily share with my clients.  

what overwhelmed me in the beginning of my pregnancy was the sudden lack of energy.  i felt totally exhausted after waking for less than an hour.  i felt as if i could sleep all day long, and go to bed before 9 pm.  however, like most western women, i had work scheduled, so sleep had to wait.

i was very surprised by my new self.  what surprised me the most was the emotional roller coaster i rode.  i felt like i could cry each day, multiple times per day.  this truly had me worried, and i think even worried my husband for a bit.  not only was i a wellspring of emotions, i also felt a deep desire to stay at home as much as possible.  the thought of going out and being surrounded by people, even good friends, just felt like too much.  i found that taking bach's walnut essence remedy and using neroli essential oil assisted in finding balance.

i also found my bowels plugged up, so much that i felt i looked pregnant early on, just from constipation.  my breasts were extremely tender, and rapidly grew.  on some days i felt as if i could feel my pubic bone and hips shifting to create more space for my growing uterus.  my growing uterus pushed on my bladder, so that i found myself arising from bed sometimes 6 times in one night.  

why i share these symptoms in a blog is because it is rare you find women talking about the trials of the first trimester.  usually pregnant women don't begin to circle up until the second trimester.  we do often associate nausea with the first trimester, but beyond that, not much else is spoken about, especially the emotions.  pregnancy, for most people is a blessing and a huge gift, something to celebrate, not cry about daily.  however, in the beginning my emotions ran wild, and a huge part of me felt guilty for this.  i know that i am not alone, and i think it's important that we as women help support other's through this sensitive time. 

relief came around week 11.  my sense became open to a variety of foods.  i also noticed my emotions evening out. . .although i have to admit, i am still sensitive.  however, in general, i feel great.  and i am beginning to see how pregnancy is one of the most amazing points in a woman's life.  now, looking back on the past 2 months, i have great compassion for the first trimester.  in those first few weeks, i felt totally possessed.  like a force had taken over my body and claimed me for it's own.  and in reality, that is what happened.  so much is happening in the beginning as the fetus's framework is being laid out, and this intense work drains the mother's life force.  on top of draining the life force, the mother instinctively must work hard to protect this growing fetus, creating a healthy and happy being.